I had some interesting thoughts come across my mind.... birthed with an overactive imagination and the attention span of a gold fish, my mind tends to fly from one point to the next rather quickly...
i thought about a lot of things growing up, but the one aspect that consumed my mind more often then any others was the possibility that my cognitive psychological learning could be curved in a way that allowed my thoughts, surroundings, and even the whole universe as i see it to created by........... yours truly!
could it be? that everything and anything you have ever known to be nothing more that a matrix complex? could my whole life be something that the mind has created??? is Los Angeles or winnipeg even real places? are the people that surround me nothing more than Disillusions my cerebral membrane created?
for many years i half expected to wake up looking at flickering florescent lights attached to a white stuckle roof surrounded by fire-ready water pipes. and like a scene directly out of the butterfly effect, sitting up from a catatonic state to an inability to move my arms away from my midriff, with hair and facial over growth resembling something similar to Tom Hanks after being stranded on the island for so long (now that i think of it maybe having a hospital slipper with a foot print on it called "milson"). that vision still hasn't come to pass, although i have never ruled it out!
when i was about 12 years old, (only one year to becoming a teenager, on my way to junior high already complete with my life goal pretty much figured out. i now knew everything necessary i would need to do in life to achieve my goal of becoming a high-school retiree and quickly marrying Oprah.) was when i really began tho think of psychosis as a serious possibility!!
at 12, it started with visual dreams that scared every swearword imaginable out of me!! this quickly progressed to waking up in the middle of the night to dark figures in my room and progressed further to voices talking to me during the day and night.. eventually it got so bad that i felt a need to drop my newly found individualistic approach to life's problems and decided to seek help from my parents. I was taken to see doctors, pastors, and others to try and get this issue resolved. for a 12 year old i was pretty well knowledgeable in the field of psychology due to an interest in crazy people, brought on mostly by cinematic masterpieces such as "the Shining" and books less stunning, but equaly fd up, like "goosebumps", this leading to quickly associating myself as either a schizophrenic or someone with dissociative identity disorder....
either or, i figured Oprah would have to wait until after my many upcoming years of being heavily medicated and under constant surveillance.
this "time" was when i begin to obsessively think of my previously determined theory of myself living a life completely imagined from within the dark place deep inside that is the damaged "ego" area of my psyche apparatus.
during this hellish 6 months of my life i often thought about taking a neuropsychological test and brain screening to prove myself to be "insane" (or sane).... although if my self-diagnosis was correct, it would be quite logical and probable that my psychosis would create the most convenient test results to appease my affliction's desired path.
my parents, decided it was a spiritual battle also know as the "coming of the age of accountability". which to be honest i thought was a load of shit for a long time.. even well after the fact! but after a while it began to make sense. maybe, just maybe, these voices (which often told me about how god didn't care about me and i was going to become overpowered and take by them) were only demonic forces fighting for my soul as i come out of an age where i am not responsible for my own decisions... eventually i began to call out on Jesus for help... and slowly but surely the voices began to stop.... and eventually quit!
although it still didn't click in my mind that god actually had anything to do with it.... i continued (and i cant lie, still occasionally to this day) to think that it was only overactive imagination getting the better of me...
but after becoming a christian last year, God has showed me that i am not crazy and it was a battle for my soul.... and im glad to say that God is now winning the battle!!
although i still occasionally ponder on the possibility of my very own alternate universe... and even wonder if my new found sanity in the lord is just a figment of my imagination.....
not being blasphemous only being honest in my train of thought..
whatever the case, i have kept the Holy Trinity as my constant, between reality, time, and my auditory hallucinations...
if the TV series LOST has taught us anything of value, its that life may just be a lot more that what we know... as even time is something created by God during the 7 days of creation as something that is earthly and can be altered. and as long as you have a constant between whatever worlds you may be caught between you will be safe...
for me im just glad i can keep my constant between whatever world i may be in now (whether fabricated or real!!!) and the world that my creator is ..
and that my friends! in it self, keeps my crazy mind grounded.
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